Eating Disorders and Toxic Friends
During recovery there are barriers. Sometimes those barriers come in the form of the very people who should be supporting you- your friends.
Now I want to clarify that this is not a hate post. I am in no way attacking the friends that I had. I firmly believe that they were not bad people, their attitudes were simply bad for me.
During my recovery, I had two friends in particular that hindered my journey towards healing my relationship with food. Both of these friends were in the midst of their own eating disorders at the time, and so, through no fault of their own, their behaviours were immensely triggering to me. One friendwould come up to me at parties and whisper how little they had eaten that day in my ear. The other would sit at our breaks and lunchtimes and detail the excessive workout and diet steps that they were taking to lose weight. It made me feel terrible. There were times when the things my friends said made me throw away the food in my hand or spend an extra hour in the gym that night when I was already exhausted.
And it wasn’t just when I spent time in person with these friends that was triggering. I had numerous friends who posted repeatedly about weight loss and dieting and calories on social media. And because these people were my friends I was scared that unfollowing or muting them would cause offence.
But this post isn’t just about toxic eating disordered friends that I have had. During my recovery, I have also realised that there were times when I was the toxic eating disordered friend. I spoke about calorie counting and workouts and diet plans. I could babble for hours about the calorie content of certain foods, or what my weight and measurements were. Looking back, I realise that that must have been triggering for so many people. But that’s what anorexia does- it's toxic and its toxicity infects every part of you until you become toxic too. You become so obsessed with your rules around eating and weight that you can no longer see beyond that to the other people in your life that your actions might be affecting.
So, what can you do if you have a toxic eating disordered friend in your life? First of all, try not to hate them or hold it against them. They are not a bad person. They are not doing it to hurt you. They are ill and suffering themselves, and they can’t see beyond that to how their actions might hurt you and others. Secondly, try to spend as little time with them as possible. That may be hard, especially if they are a close friend, but avoiding them is likely the healthiest thing for both of you. Sit away from them at mealtimes, unfollow or mute them on social media. It’s important to calmly and kindly discuss this with them beforehand. Peacefully explain that you do not blame or resent them, but their discussion around dieting/exercise/weight loss is triggering to you during your recovery journey and therefore you need some time apart from them. They may get upset, but if they are truly your friend then they will eventually understand, and maybe it will even push them to confront their own disordered mindset. If you absolutely cannot spend time away from them, respectfully ask them to avoid discussing dieting and weight loss around you.
I have resumed a small amount of contact with the two friends I previously mentioned. Since moving touni (and surrounding myself with a much healthier friend group) I don’t see too much of them. I am also in a place in my recovery where I am not so easily triggered, so although these two friends still engage in heavily disordered behaviours I am able to not let their eating disorders push me back into mine. I worry about them, but I have also had to remind myself that their mental health is not my responsibility and that I cannot force recovery on anyone. When they say anything about food or weight loss I tell myself “this has no effect on me and my life, I am living my life, they are living theirs” and this mantra helps me stay grounded and prevents me from getting triggered. One of the friends I have mentioned continues to post heavily disordered content on their social media, and so for the preservation of my own mental health I have unfollowed them, which I hope they can understand and accept.
I want to finish off this post by apologising to anyone to whom I have been a toxic eating disordered friend. If I ever triggered you, or caused you to feel bad about yourself, I’m sorry. The person that I wasin the midst of my eating disorder is not someone I’m proud of, and I’m aware that there is still remnants of her within me. So if I ever say something or do something triggering around you, pull me up on it. I, and we, can always be improving and becoming better people and better friends.