Eating Disorders at Christmastime
Well, it’s that time of year again. And honestly it’s a wonderful time of year – probably my favourite time of year. But unfortunately it’s also a time of year that can make some of my conditions extra tricky to handle. So I thought I’d do a little mini series on the difficulties Christmas can pose for someone with my conditions and the things I’m putting in place to make the festive period a little easier for myself- in the hopes that it might help some of you lot too.
So first up I wanted to talk about disordered eating and Christmas. Food is a pretty huge part of Christmas- from childhood we count down to the big day with chocolates, every chain restaurant or brand brings out a special Christmas meal or beverage, there’s traditional cakes, pies, puddings, meals that you’re expected to eat. And if you’re someone who struggles with food that can be… a lot. Sometimes you can feel isolated from festivities because you’re too afraid of the prevalent and pervasive food element. Or otherwise the seasonal spirit of indulgence triggers a binge, which in turn triggers purging or restriction.
When my eating disorder was at its height, Christmas took on a weird extra meaning for me. I saw it as the one time of year that I was allowed to EAT- everything I wanted and craved for the past 11 months. On Christmas day I’d eat past the point of fullness, making myself feel sick and miserable in the process, because I didn’t know when I’d next feel able to allow myself to eat properly. And to compensate for my yuletide binge I’d restrict brutally for a month afterwards. So I couldn’t even really enjoy my indulgence, or even my Christmas, at all, because I was constantly thinking about and dreading the starvation that would follow.
So how have I gotten better with the food at Christmastime? Well, the biggest thing has been letting myself eat during the rest of the year so Christmas doesn’t have some weird, stressful, restriction-free significance. Remember those RSPCA adverts “A dog is not just for Christmas”? Well, neither is food. And letting myself indulge a little each day of the festive season – a mince pie this day, a slice of Christmas cake the next- rather than cramming it all in to a three day period where I can’t even enjoy any of it.
I’m also trying to eat mindfully- gone are the days of chugging my starbucks gingerbread latte before my brain can guilt me for it. I plan on savouring every bite of Christmas food in my mouth, noticing every flavour, every aspect of texture, every spice as I do so. And if the ED voice in my head tries to guilt me for enjoying the traditional foods of my favourite time of year, or try and convince me to atone for my enjoyment with gruelling workouts and skipped breakfasts- I’m going to tell it to fuck right off.
But what about when I’d just started recovery and all of the above was much easier said than done? Well, then it was about trying to enjoy festive foods when I felt able but not pushing myself too hard when that felt overwhelming. Finding that difficult (but possible) balance of enjoying the treats on offer without freaking out the little ED demon in your head and triggering a restrictive/purging period. Resisting the urge to binge because contrary to popular belief you CAN finish the chocolates off in January and no one will shoot you if you have the last few mince pies after the Christmas period is over. Allowing another family member to make up my Christmas dinner plate because I had a distorted perception of what constituted too much or too little. Politely excusing myself when talk of new year’s diets and December weight gain came up at parties.
Another big important thing is distracting yourself from those guilty ED thoughts that might crop up after your bowl of Christmas pudding or Terry’s chocolate orange. And luckily Christmastime is full of wonderful ways to de-stress, comfort and distract yourself when feeling triggered. I love drowning out the thoughts with the vocals of Mariah Carey or curling up and watching my favourite Christmas movie (Muppets Christmas Carol- obvi).
If you’re struggling with your eating this Christmas, know that you’re not alone. And know that it does get better. I used to think I’d never be able to sit and enjoy a piece of yule log without any guilt ever again. But guess what? I do. And it’s a great feeling! And one day you will too- just conquering it one bite at a time.