Bullying- and how it affected my mental health
I remember once sitting in an RE lesson and our teacher asking what the bullying situation was in our school. “Oh, we don’t have bullies here” one of the girls in my class said cheerfully. The majority of the class seemed to be in agreement. I was in disbelief, as I realised that there were people whose teenage experience didn’t include taunting and teasing. There were people who were so far removed from bullying that they really thought it didn’t exist in our school. But it did.
I wasn’t even bullied that badly compared to some of my peers. It was never physical. Some of the things that happened don’t seem that bad in the grand scale of things. But it’s the constant small comments and snickers that consistently chip away at your self-esteem and mental wellbeing.
“Amy is your girlfriend” was a genuine insult boys in my form class tossed at each other, laughing. A group of girls spread a rumour about me and a boy in our year, who I happened to sit next to in one of our classes. He was so horrified that people might think we were dating (as much as 11 year olds can date) so I moved seat to a solitary table, all by myself to prevent him any embarassment. Girls would corner me and ask me incessant personal questions hoping I would slip up and give them some humiliating answer that they could repeat to their friends, giggling. Every time a new rumour was spread about me, or I heard my classmates snicker at something I said in class, I remember feeling overheated and my heart pounding in my chest so loudly I thought the whole school might hear it.
Because of all this, I have a constant desperation for validation. I developed an obsession with being “better” than my childhood bullies. This was one of the reasons for my eating disorders- being skinnier than my adolescent tormentors was one way of “beating” them. I had to look better than them. But the need to be better than them didn’t stop there. I’m approaching graduation from uni and I’ve been scanning career opportunities and sorting them based on how much they might make my former bullies seethe with jealousy, having second thoughts about jobs that might genuinely make me happy because I need to ensure that I’m better paid than my bullies. I constantly need to be dating someone because I use romantic partners for validation of the fact that “Amy is your girlfriend” is no longer an insult but a desired reality.
I’ve been working on the effects of my childhood bullying on my self esteem over the past few years. As I’ve said before, one of the most important things to remember in life is that another person’s life and achievements do not affect you and yours. My childhood bullies are no longer part of my life in reality, but my memories of them are. But if I let their words continue to affect me and influence my decisions then I am letting them win.
If you are struggling with insecurities rooted in childhood bullying, my biggest piece of advice is to identify the insults and events that really triggered the insecurities. Maybe identify the specific person who insulted that attribute. Then the next time that insecurity crops up say “Shut Up (bully’s name)” in order to dismiss it. Another thing is, if, like me, you worry about being better than your bullies then remind yourself that those bullies are irrelevant. What they think about your life now doesn’t matter.
But what if you’re reading this right now and you’re STILL being bullied- in school, in uni, in a workplace. Hitting back, in some cinematic teen-movie way, is not realistic. Giving a sassy retort can make the problem worse. However, it doesn’t mean that you can’t repeat mantras about your bullies’ insignificance inside your own head. Rather than allowing your bullies’ taunts to replay in your mind, drown them out with your own internal statements of personal positivity and strength.
I hope this blog post helps anyone who has experienced bullying. Please remember that you are worthy, you are important, you are wonderful.